Friday, 21 December 2012

Pre-Christmas thoughts...

Dear readers,

I thought I'd give an update as it will probably be the last one of 2012. I have a lot going round my head at the moment.

Let's start with Christmas...

I've always loved it, and part of me still does, but there is a part of me now that hates it. This I am struggling to rationalise - how can you feel 2 ways about something? (That's easy, I'm Trans am I not?)

What I mean is that as I get older, I seem to more and more long for the days of old, and particularly have my Mum and Dad back again to talk to. There is so much to say to them now, not least my current angst. I miss my brother Geoffrey too. Therefore I find myself most tearful at times. I recognise the feelings of depression, and it would be easier to slip into that again.

One thing that has kept me going is buying presents for my family. I haven't gone over board, but have wrapped things far more carefully, including ribbons and bows, than I ever have done before. I can't help but  blame (wrong word) on my girlishness. I am looking forward to the day and seeing their faces. I've even made a present for Mrs T - Chocolate covered Cherries. Not done that before.

This year will be strange for another reason - my Son will be not joining us from Christmas for the first time. He is going to the Czech Republic to spend it with his girlfriend and her family. Serious stuff. Those 2 have settled their differences and have just moved in together in a flat. So he has moved out, which is a bit sad, but  it leaves me able to dress and do what I like 4 1/2 days a week again.

I've already had my Christmas/Birthday present (Chris's birthday, not 'mine' -  we have different Birthdays, and his is unfortunately on the 29th of December). It was a trip to see Madness at the O2. They were brilliant. First time I've seen them. Knew most of the songs and sung along with gusto...bought a Fez as well. (for 'Chris'). The only downside of this was I had to miss the Christmas trip to Pink Punters and especially, meeting up with my friends.

I'm hoping Santa will be kind with other presents. My list of things was stacked with Girly stuff of course, but only time will tell if Mrs T allows herself to accept that is what I am and my needs are different now. A tough ask, but not as tough as it will get in 2013 I suspect. I do know that I will be getting my Epilator and I am sure the other girls in the house will share it. I certainly don't mind. I've asked for permission to have my ears pierced for the 2nd year running. Not hopeful.

So that will be Christmas and shortly, the end of 2012. A difficult year.

If you had told me what was coming this time last year, I would have stayed in 2011!

We've gone thorough most of it and come out the other side I guess.

My son now has a stable relationship and a new rented flat. He has also just heard he has a permanent job starting end of January, which puts him back on track from being made redundant in May.

My Daughter has now got over her ex at last. I think it will be a long time before she trusts another. She has blossomed though at her work place, and has secured her teacher training place for next September. She has a great skill at baking too. One she could make money out of...

Mrs T has got over her breast cancer scare and is fully OK. She still has the main issue to cope with - me. Poor thing was quite ill recently with a combination of novo virus and ear infection, but she is all mended now. It was a shame as she missed 2 Christmas do's as a result.

...and me? Still don't have a new position at work, but am trying hard to find one. Life will change when I do as I don't think I'll be working from home much any more, which is going to scupper my dressing. :-(((
I'll just have to get out at week-ends more!

Talking of going out, I went to my friend Sue's recent lunch in London and had a thoroughly good time. I find these events suit me as a person right down to the ground. Still haven't managed the Nottingham trip yet, but hope to do that in the new year.

I was also strikes me as normal to feel how I do, and when I am at one of these lunches, I do not consider my fellow lunch companions to be anything other than girls. I just see them all that way. It never crosses my mind that they are anything else. I wonder if everyone like us feels like this? I wonder if they see me the same way?

2013 - what will it bring? Change is likely? I think so. I heard from the psych yesterday that I can opt for Nottingham instead of Charing Cross. No idea what Nottingham is like? I'll put a post on Angels to ask I think. Hopefully, work will be sorted soon as well.

The big one is going to be answering the BIG question - to start the process of transition or not. Obviously it has massive connotations - will Mrs T stand by me and accept being in a relationship with another woman? I think not, and if that is how it pans out, then do I stay or do I go? The prospect of living the rest of my life as a woman fills me with excitement and trepidation at the same time. It is THE massive step. Do I want it? Right now, the answer is yes, most definitely. Whether I am mentally ready is another thing.

This leads me to another question and one that seems very odd. Is it possible to 'wish' yourself more female physically? I swear I have the beginnings of proper hips, my boobs are getting bigger, and certain bits have shrunk so much that I am having trouble using the loo in the normal way men do! Perhaps I am deluded? After all, I am not on hormones. Perhaps there is something in our food these days that is doing it?

Oh well, that's about all I have time for now. I know tears will be shed by me over Christmas and especially on New Year's eve/day. Will 2013 be my last as Christopher and my first as Christina?

Have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of you.


Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Moving on...

Well it's been over a week now since I saw the psych, and things have started to settle down once more.

Nothing serious has been discussed with Mrs T so far, but she has seen the official letter copy to my GP, so she can be in no doubt that we are, where we are. The doc referred to me as 'Christina' in the letter, and it made me feel all goose-pimply. I'd long decided that my 'official' name would always be 'Christina', but known as Tina for short. Seeing it in writing referring to Me was, well, wonderful!

I've had some good advice over the last few days and a lot of time to reflect. I do strongly feel that I have entered a new phase of my life. I feel empowered. I'll have to be careful though otherwise I'll burst!

I've come to terms with how I feel at this time, and am even more comfortable with my inner self. The feeling of wanting to tell everyone I know is getting stronger my the day, but I have to hold on as it would likely upset the situation at home.

My son is very supportive and I've now dressed fully for 3 days running. He doesn't hide and talks to me if I'm just normal. It is amazing!

The desire to be me is very strong as well. I went out with eye liner on the other day. My daughter noticed (sort of, she thought I had mascara on...), but I don't really care. I suspect I might just add bits here and there and see how it goes. It is inevitable that I will out myself at some point. Feeling so calm and natural being just me is so, so good. I want to feel this way permanently. 24/7.

Had a bit of retail therapy as well - new forms came today, and they are lovely, but a little larger than I was expecting. They fit perfectly in my normal bra, so they are the right size for my frame. (sorry - had to add this, they jiggle nicely as well...Blush). Had a good time round the shops on Sunday, and I know I'll be getting an Epilator for Christmas as Mrs T asked me to pick the one I wanted and put it in the basket. Can't wait to get my hands on that and seriously declare war on hair. Last evening, I went to M&S on my own (in bloke mode) and bought a nice knitted top, some ankle socks, and had a really good look around. First time I've really felt totally confident even to do that in bloke mode. Times they are a changing!

Sorry for this short ramble, I just had to share my wonderfully fulfilling and feminine thoughts.

Christina. (Tina to her friends...)

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

I have Gender Dysphoria - Official!

Hi there good blog readers, thanks for dropping by. I know it's been a while since I last wrote, but things have just been busy etc, etc.

Let's get the title out of the way first, eh?

Some people on Facebook will already know this. I went to see my local psych here in MK this last Monday  I had been referred to him after I went to see my GP in August with really bad depression. Part of that was a discussion of my perceived dysphoria, and he agree to refer me to MK Hospital.

My appointment took a while to come through, but last Monday it was and I set out with some considerable nervousness to see Dr Edgar. I'd worried about how to look and I decided to go as a Chris/Tina mix. I wore a female knitted roll-neck top and girls jeans. I put eye-liner  shadow, lip gloss and rouge on, but otherwise, presented as male. There was a bit of a 'sod 'em' attitude to anyone who might have seen me, but hey, it was my appointment about my dysphoria! I felt almost 'armed' having the war paint on..(?)

Apart from forgetting to bring any money to get my car back from the car park, I thought it went really well. I was with him for over 2 1/2 hours, and the end result was him confirming that I do have Gender Dysphoria. I feel really empowered by this as it is not all (just) in my head now. The next step is therefore to have an appointment at Charing Cross, and Dr Edgar will be referring me there.

The aftermath of this has been massive I think. Although me and the Mrs haven't talked much about Tina for ages, I thought she understood what was happening. I am not so sure now. We haven't had any time to talk about it privately yet, and to be honest, I am quite glad for the thinking time. Even just thinking time for me.

My poor Mrs also has enough on her plate at the moment having been called back from a breast scan for a second one which resulted in an immediate biopsy. I will go with her to get the results next Monday. There is every likelihood that there is nothing wrong. STOP PRESS!!! - I was just 2 paragraphs down when I took a call from the hospital (Mrs is at work) to say that she is all clear and no need to go on Monday. Great news indeed!

I think therefore I will wait until after next Monday to sit down with the Mrs and chat about where all this is going. (Perhaps no need to wait now as per above!)

For my own personal thoughts on the future, I have to say that remaining married is a very important consideration for me. This may be completely at odds with what the NHS offers in the way of 'treatment'. On the other hand, I cannot deny that the prospect of having proper boobs and the rest of it does have a big appeal. It is going to take a lot of thought and soul searching.

I had a call from a dear friend this morning to chat about things and this has been a massive help to me. It has made me look at things in a less isolated way and I feel much more empowered to take the right steps, and most importantly, at the right time.

OK my thought train has brought me to here, so lets try an experiment?

Q - What's more important? Having your bits cut off or staying married?
A - Initial thoughts are staying married, but I could also say, actually, I would like both!

Q - Why wouldn't you be happy to remain as you are now?
A - Easy, because I am not happy as I am now. I am living a lie. I feel much more happy when I am female. Massively more.

Q - Is there a compromise situation to be found?
A - Perhaps, but it all comes down to how I am perceived and how people around me will react?

Well that was a good train of thought experiment! Following on, I am increasingly feeling that I need to come out to many more people and be free to be Tina much more of the time. I guess that if I was Tina very much more, perhaps I wouldn't feel the urge so much to take this all to the point of no return?

One thing that is very clear is I need to get out and talk to more people about this and if I could just get the Mrs to come along, I think it would be a great help?

As in some blogs, this post seems to have run out of steam. However, a quick catch up is necessary on the home front.

My son now has a contract job, so fingers crossed he is on the right track. Also, he is totally used to me being Tina around the house when the others are out at work.

My Daughter and I have not really talked about my life as Tina. She knows about my appointment and the result. Not sure if she know what it all means. I think that I'll need a conversation with her too. Probably with mum in attendance.

Elsewhere, work is still rubbish. I am in the 're-deployee' bin trying to find another role. If truth be known I'd give up work tomorrow, but hey ho, due to endowment mis-selling and their legal cover up, I can't retire just yet.

Well that's it for now. Thanks for reading. Comments very very welcome as per normal.


Monday, 16 July 2012

Some pre-Sparkle catch up thoughts, and post-Sparkle news.

Wow! Where to start this post?

I write this post-Sparkle, but I having been too busy before, I also want to cover one or two things pre-Sparkle as well. I'll start with Fathers Day...

It was a strange thing for me this year, well I felt strange, but perhaps I shouldn't have? In a nutshell, I felt really odd. Nothing can take away the fact I am and always will be a father of 2, it just didn't feel right this year?

Now I quick update on life at home. Opportunities to dress are pretty much zero now due to my Son being home all of the time. Poor sod did get made redundant, and I really feel for him. He does let me practice my eye make up and is not actually bothered if I dress a little bit on an occasional basis. It is an odd feeling though and I do not feel quite right with it all yet.

It's has been a bit up and down with Mrs T, she hates it one minute and chooses outfits for me and lets me order from her mates Avon book the next...

My daughter doesn't seem to want to discuss it at all. Things might just come to a head soon I think?

The last part of my pre-sparkle thoughts are around work. I hate what I am doing, and the stress levels are awful. Came to a head the other week when I burst into tears on a work phone call. Not a good thing to do. I wonder if I was already full time it might have been more acceptable for a girl to cry...

Right, Sparkle.

This was my 2nd Sparkle, with last year's being the first time Tina went out in public.

I am a very different girl a year on. Much more confident. I think it is mostly due to being more comfortable with the choice of clothes, and having practised enough on my make up now. Having some great friends has been a great help too!

This year I went with no real thought about what it would bring. I know I was a bit nervous, but no where near as bad as last time. Having hit the hotel, I became Tina and after confirming where some friends were, went out to meet them. Bumped into 2 of the stars of 'My Transsexual Summer as well and said hello.

I don't want to go into every detail about the week end, but highlights were helping my friend Sue with organising the Angels lunch on the Saturday, which went really well, and just having fun with friends. I also met some people for the first time, some of which I knew on-line and some brand new ones. I even had an opportunity to meet a new girl with her partner and had a great chat. This was whilst I was having a moment on my own in one of the bars. It was good to be able to be able to help someone else who was where I was a year ago.

Another highlight which I had almost forgotten was I managed to go shopping for the very first time on my own. It was the MOST empowering thing of the weekend. I loved it!

All in all is was a truly great week-end.

Now, though, we are into the aftermath...and this has 2 aspects.

Firstly the comedown. After last year I was understandably euphoric. It was the Tuesday afterwards that it hit me. So, this time, I was prepared! NOT!

As I had to come home not dressed, 'Tina time' effectively finished on the Sunday morning. I'd bought my very first nightie during my shopping trip and had worn it all night. I have to admit doing something strange when I awoke - I put my boobs and wig back on, put my nightie back on, and got back into bed for a short time. I guess I was wanting to be even more 'proper'? I took it all off again, and then gradually (well very slowly), but Tina away. My nail polish was the last thing to get removed, but not before I had sobbed my heart out. Several times. I just did not want to go back to being male. I did seriously consider going home dressed, but managed to talk myself out of it, saying to myself that it would be OK to go back as expected and not rock the boat. This though, on the thought that one day I would not have to be in male mode at all... 

OK that is 'normal' and it is part of post-Sparkle blues that lots of girls get. I just didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it has. I am nearly in tears again just writing this down. I thought that I would be OK. It actually feels 10 times worse than last year!

Secondly, my thoughts going forward...oh heck.

As part of my vesuvial meltdown yesterday morning, I swore to myself that Tina has to be and has to be permanently. Now I know I've had those thoughts and blogged about them before, so no need to go over old ground. I also know that the impact of going in that direction would be massive on my family, friends etc. I'm scared that I might do the wrong thing, but at the same time excited as hell at the prospect. A year ago, I never thought I would be thinking seriously what I am now thinking. So much of me wants just to be 'me' and all the time, not just Sparkle and other outings. It feels that good to be Tina.

I do know that this just might be post-Sparkle rubbish, and I'll have to be careful. It is not easy being careful though, especially when you are effectively only one 'statement to the Mrs' away from the point of
no return...One thing that might happen is she may ask me what I want to do going forward, and I am not going to be able to lie...

That brings me onto one more bit of yesterday that I hated. We usually go to see some friends at the local each Suday about 5. This co-incided with me being picked up from the station and we went straight there. Before going in, Mrs T asked me for a story of why I hadn't been around for the w/e, and we concocted one saying we'd been busy and that we'd been shopping yesterday to Bedford and I'd had some beers. This was to allow for the fact that I had had some post-Sparkle beers before getting on the train in Manchester.

Where this all went wrong was down to me going in the same place for breakfast on my way toManchester, mainly to say 'bye' to my Daughter who works there. On Friday this all seemed fine and it was explained to one of her work mates (who knows me well as a customer) that I was just going away for the w/e. No reason why given.He was also working yesterday, so we had him knowing that I'd been away and a story to others that I hadn't. Not a great place to be in. I also managed to confuse it further by saying something to another bar person who knows me. I effectively nearly came out to him. Not good and hopefully that can be repaired. Again I am an idiot cos I told my daughter what had happened when I got home. She was not pleased!

What that did bring home to me was the danger lying brings. I hate it. I mean I really hate it. I therefore think it is time to come out to my friends and be done with? They are bound to find out anyway as I can't help just pushing the odd boundary back here and be honest, the only reason I haen't told the world is because of the 'perceived' embarrassment that my wife thinks will fall on her. It is a quandary.

To coin a phrase or two from Ron Moody as Fagin - I am reviewing the situation...I think I better think it out again!

Thanks for reading. More thoughts when I've stored some up again. Feel free to comment as per normal.


Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Random thoughts as an update.

Hello once again dear readers,

It's been a while since I last updated, and today I have a little time, so here are my latest thoughts.

Tina-wise, all is well to a point. I thought I'd lost my T mojo yesterday, but that was just a blip. I am looking forward to the next time out, which may be London again, but also could be Sparkle. I will need to consider that I have enough to wear - (any excuse for shopping...), but I think I already do have what I need. (Mind you - could do with some sandals - and I just cannot get on with toe posts - but Mrs T is starting to train me..)

On the subject of Mrs T, I think we have come to a good understanding of what I am all about now. Things have been much calmer of late. She also let me order some Avon the other day.

This hot weather strangely has got me down a bit. I've been desperate to wear a really long skirt I picked up for £2 in a sale. Seems a perfect one for hot weather? No opportunity to dress at home...

I still get a bit tearful at times, but I think that is to do with what's happening to my Son at the moment, rather than out and out frustration at not being a girl enough.

My son has now had it confirmed that he will be made redundant, effectively this coming Friday. I feel really gutted for him. He joined the company he is at now as an apprentice 5 years ago. He passed his 2 years of study and learning, and was taken on proper. 3 years later they are throwing him in the dustbin at the age of 25. This can't be right!

He also was really discriminated against in the process for selection, and now says he intends to go for unfair dismissal. Are there any employment law experts out there who might be able to advise? (for free...)

My daughter has finally moved on from the ex, and is her old self again. At least that bit of the house is repaired. My son's other half dumped him Saturday, and then they made up Sunday...It was not fun having a 6' plus hunk of a bear sobbing uncontrollably in my arms on Saturday. I was at a loss at what to do or say?

Anyway, that's the update from Tina-land. Hope everyone is chilled and looking forward to the Jubilee week-end.


Tuesday, 15 May 2012

London lunching - the aftermath.

Hi there Dear readers,

Firstly, I'd like to say thanks to those who have taken the time to read my blog lately and give comments and advice. I really appreciate it.

OK then, it's Tuesday, 2 days after my first ever trip out to London as me. I didn't want to re-post what I have posted on Angels (you can find it here is you are interested) -

I more wanted to reflect on how I feel now, compared to how I felt before Sunday.

That's an easy answer...or is it?

I have to get this off my chest right away - I was totally euphoric yesterday, until about 2 pm in the afternoon.


It was like being hit by a freight train. I just felt so miserable. I sobbed and sobbed, and for no apparent reason.

Being of a personality trait that is used to being 'in control', and used to 'analysing' things in order to feel more comfortable, this really took me by surprise. I also have to say that I am fine today - I little tired still, but fine.

I guess there could be many reasons, and probably compounded reasons why. Likely it was just a case of being so excited about Sunday before hand, and having such a great day, it was just a reaction to the come down?

Both my wife and son became aware of my tears, and did their best to comfort. I couldn't say why I felt why I did though. Was I afraid to tell the real truth? I think even I am scared to answer that. Is the real truth the feeling of hopelessness faced with an impossible position - Married, and happily so, not a massive circle of friends, but enough to know me and Mrs T well and care about us - but on the other hand me being totally convinced my future is in the female gender. I guess other married T-Girls all suffer from this dilemma. It is a rare situation where a partner totally accepts you have to be what you really feel you are.

I have to take this one step at a time. I know that. I have no idea where this particular journey is going, but I know I have no desire to jump off the train. I know where I think it is going, but also that this is likely to change at the next junction.

Back to the original question - do I feel different as a result of Sunday? Oh yes! Yes indeed!

I achieved so much on Sunday (see Angels post), but what is underneath it all, was the realisation that I had become Tina properly as a result. It happened as the day went on, and the smile on my face as I neared my home station on the train, was huge. The feeling deep inside me was even larger. Massive.

I feel I have moved much closer to being comfortable as Tina. Not that I wasn't comfortable before. I'm probably using the wrong words? I feel more 'right'?

So where to go from here? I don't know? Well, yes I do - take it easy, think it through. Let things progress naturally. If my destiny is to become physically female, then so be it. If it isn't, then, what I have already achieved, and am becoming increasingly used to, is also fine. As long as it includes lunching, going out, whatever, with people who are so incredibly amazing, then who in their right mind wouldn't want to enjoy all that?

Who indeed when feeling like I did at the end of Sunday wouldn't want to feel that way again and again?

Next time out is also worth looking forward to - Sparkle. We did discuss this on Sunday, some people are compelled to go, some not. There are as many reasons for going as there are T Girls I think? For me, last year's Sparkle was when Joanne Public met Tina for the very first time. I had met no one else before. As a result, to some extent, Sparkle was when Pandora jumped out of the box. So, I am going again, but for an entirely different reason - to meet up with some of the wonderful friends I have made already on this amazing journey. Better start planning some shopping trips then...  

Well, that is about all I wish to say right now. Your comments appreciated, welcomed, and indeed encouraged.

Until next time,


Thursday, 10 May 2012

Pre-London lunch thoughts and an update.

Hello dear hearts, (as Ermintrude used to say.)

I find myself almost at the end of another busy week. I will try not to ramble, but 'libations' have already been had...

Righto - My mental state and how it is affected by my loved ones...

Wife - been sick all week. Mother/Sister are not bothering us, but are still the lowest of the low. Has given me her blessing for my outing (and I hope this doesn't turn into a bad pun!), on Sunday. She has even advised on suitable attire! Under threat of 're-grading', at work.

Son - Definitely selected for redundancy today. Crap! Supports my T'ness without question. Our joint efforts on preparing him for today's crunch meeting may bear fruit...Thought he was about to split up with GF of 6 months this week, but turns out not so. Has a scrambled head, but I'm giving him 100% support.

Daughter - In denial about the effects of break up with long-term boyfriend, but working her 2 part-time jobs hard. Knows what I am doing Sunday and (sort of ), accepts it. One part time job due to end in July, so (should be) looking for work...

Me - Work is rubbish. Still on 'secondment' with the threat of being in the 'bin' hanging over me. The secondment job is crap, and I could write for hours why. Lets just say some people haven't a clue what project/programme management is meant to be about. It sure isn't about spreadsheets, e-mails, and endless conference calls!

So - that makes all four of us here with job-related issues...and 2 with relationship issues, and 2 with health issues. Oh what joy!

(reminder to self - you said you wouldn't ramble!)

and back to T stuff! (which is why you read...)

On Sunday, I am going to lunch with a bunch of T Girls in London. Now this presents a few firsts...

1 - Not been to London in T mode before. I was born there and my dear old Dad was a Cabbie for 38 years there. It holds a special place in my heart and always will.

2 - I'm going by train. Not been on a train dressed before. Not worried too much. I'm going anyway.

3 - All this means I am leaving the house dressed in daylight. OK, it's Sunday, so maybe no neighbours will notice...I'll be coming back like this as well, so they'll all get a second chance. I think this has sunk in with Mrs T today! I know I should care, but I don't. Time to move on.

and so I am really excited about going, and naturally, more than a bit scared...

It will be great. I am certain. What will make it easier is that I will know 2 others who are going, and if all goes well I'll be not alone on the train, having met another girl from MK who I know through Angels and F/B.

That's where I am. I'll certainly post what happened next week. No doubt there will be some piccies too!

All that is left now is that weather forecast and what to wear?


Monday, 30 April 2012

Monday's musings...

High time for an update I think, especially given the nature of my last post.

My mind is slightly better, in that all the advice I received, especially from Sue and Sam on here, Holly on f/b, and from all of my other friends, was most helpful.

The busy-ness of life also has played it's hand which has not allowed me much thinking time lately.

My plan is when I feel ready, I am going to go to my GP and ask if I can be referred to a psych.

Opportunities to dress have stopped again, due to Son being here in the daytime again. He is also still very much under the threat of redundancy, bless him. Not fun when you are 25 and reasonably intelligent. He actually has turned out to be one person I can openly discuss my T-ness with, and I've felt so comfortable I've worn eye make up in the day and there has been no issue. I couldn't get away with that with the girls in the house.

On that subject, no 1 daughter is still in boyfriend mess. There is a lot to do there, and both me and Mrs T have no real idea how to snap her out of her upset? We've both stayed out of it so far, but it's getting harder and harder.

It was our anniversary on Friday last, and although we don't celebrate, the interim ones, I made her a card. It was our 27th. I wrote some words in the card to re-assure her that I will always love her, whatever the future throws our way.

The week-end was quite good. I decided to cook a 3-course meal for Mrs T on Saturday and it went down really well. (Actually, I was quite proud of myself. Home-made Prawn and Spring Onion Ravioli to start, Bangladeshi Monkfish and Prawn curry as main, and a wicked fried Banana with an amazing home-made sauce for dessert.)

As I had pasta left over, I made some more Ravioli (cheese and ham) for a starter last night, all served with a home made garlic sauce.

One more thing I did yesterday was to sort out and clean the spice cupboard. I was always moaning at the state of it, so Mrs T 'encouraged' me to do something about it.

I suppose all in all, a big brownie points week-end.

So where to next? In 2 weeks, I intend to push Tina's boundaries once again by going to Sue's London lunch. I haven't been before, but having been in Sue's company on two previous occasions for eating, I have no worries about going. The hard bit is leaving the house in daylight, (not being out to anyone much else), and travelling on the train. I am not too nervous. Actually very, very excited.

I guess I see it as another milestone 'ticked' on the path to acceptance?

I'm also booked into Sparkle and have my train tickets, so as per last year, I'm looking forward to that too.

It's not surprising as I really believe that when I am fully out in public I am proving I am the real me.

That's all I have to say today. Until next time good readers.


Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Where is my mind?

I've chosen the title due to my topsy-turvy feelings, which I am trying to get my head around right now.

I'll try to explain...

It's not that I am down in the dumps too much, or the reverse - it's where I am at and where I am going that is filling my thoughts today.

I've just spent 2 days dressed, after a while of not being able to do much. The feelings of euphoria and 'rightness', came flooding back. So much so, that I was very close to not changing back, when people were due home. This happened both days.

So it started me thinking? Am I content with how I am now, with occasional dressing and the odd journey out?

Well, if I'm brutally honest no, I'm not. The feelings I have when I am dressed overwhelm me. I just feel so, so good! So, so right. But where to go? Just more dressing? No, I don't think that is the whole answer. OK here comes the bombshell number one - I think I'm actually ready to go full time! There I've said it!

Yes I know the problems that would bring and I probably haven't even thought of all of them...and I know this is very much a selfish feeling and desire. I do increasingly feel its right for me though. Perhaps I could do with some help to talk it through more?

Well there we are, my scrambled head. But wait, that's not all...

Today, it got worse. I'll go straight for it...there was I just relaxing after lunch before returning to work and a thought struck me. Could I actually ever see myself having GRS? Whenever I've had that thought (being part of Angels means your surrounded by this course of action) before, I've always ruled it out.

Today was different. For the first time ever, the answer was "yes I could". Bombshell number two. Furthermore, I let my mind wander a bit more and I think, actually, this is what my goal may now be? The problems with that are of course even more serious than going full time. All this has rather taken me aback and I feel almost guilty for daring to think/dream along these lines. I want to tell Mrs T, but I'm very afraid of the consequences.

Perhaps it's just a silly phase that I'm going through? (Ouch, my head hurts!)

Well, that's a load at least down in words, which helps a bit.

What else is there to say today? Well, I've been experimenting further with a half and half eye shadow look, with pink in the first half of the lid and grey in the second (towards the outside of the face). I have to say I love it! I need to try some more colours, but I'm getting much better at blending (my recently acquired brush/blender from Avon is great). I've also started to go a bit heavier on eye liner, which is giving me a sultry, (dare I say even sexy?) look.

I wanted to take a picture, but I've been lazy in the face hair department (failed to buy expensive blades), and so I wasn't happy with the overall look today. Need to go shopping. So much Tina needs!

I did want to go to the Nottingham Invasion, but a combination of things - Mrs T mostly (I did so enjoy the A-Team comments on Facebook!), will prevent me going. I really want to meet some more people as well as the lovely girls I already know. The good news is that Sue is organising a London lunch and at last it looks like I can go. I HAVE to go, for so many reasons.

Yesterday I finally got around to seeing the last episode of "My Transexual Summer", and I have to say I cried a lot at the end. I loved the programme, because I am one of them. I'm the same. I wish I was as young as some of them, but hey ho, I'm glad I am what I am.

Well that's it. A fairly serious blog, but being trans isn't all fun.

Thanks for reading.


Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Post-Easter musings.

It's been a while again. No excuse really.

Things are settling down still here in the madhouse.

My femme feelings are as strong as ever, but dressing time is now back to a premium again due to my Son being back on nights. It's Easter hols which means a full house anyway due to school-based other householders. Bah!

I failed miserably to post another pic I took during the last dressing time. I called it 'all dressed up with nowhere  to go', which summed up my feelings nicely. Anyway, here it is.

Need to add a vest top underneath as it's a bit see-through...

Managed to get some shopping time last week, which resulted in another top from Yours. Got some shoes from them as well, but unbelievably, they didn't fit -too big!

Ordered some new clip-on earring adaptors after following a link on the 'Pierced Ears' thread on Angels. Looking forward to trying them out. Wish I get get my ears done, however, Mrs T will not allow. Any suggestions of how to persuade her?

Still no prospect of any trips out yet, which is annoying. However, booked in for Sparkle now and looking forward to it very much.

Oh, I nearly forgot. As no one apart from Mrs T was in the house all of Sunday, I asked if I could dress for the afternoon. She didn't say no, so I did. I didn't go too OTT, just leggings and the top in the previous post. Had a great result on a two-colour blended eye-shadow theme, grey into pink, which I copied from a girl I saw on the train the other day. It was the first time I really got blending right. Can't wait to try that out again. Need to get some more colours now. Is there any end to this shopping? :-)))

I could tell Mrs T didn't really like me being dressed in the house, but it's not as if she hasn't seen me dressed several times now. I thought actually it was another small victory in my quest for acceptance (if not full-time-ness!)

and that's where we are.



Wednesday, 14 March 2012

An update...

It's been a while since I last wrote anything. Mainly due to lack of time. It sure has been busy of late.

Things have settled down in our household a little. It has been a tough 2 weeks or so with my daughter. She was also doing quite well of late, having got to the 'resigned to what is what' stage, and having reached the 'angry' stage. That was until she got an awful text last night, and now we are back to square one!

What it is no longer doing is affecting me as Tina. This due to one essential thing - my son is off nights and on days for 2 weeks. Therefore the house is all mine from 8:30 to 3:30 Tuesday to Thursday, and that means during those times, I live as Tina...and bloody good it is too!

The immediate benefit has been that I've been able to try some new things on that have been bought weeks ago.

Yesterday, I wore a black pencil skirt from New Look. I've not tried this style before, and it made me look a bit younger I think? Showing knees too! I wore it with my bright red knitted top from Marks. I felt great! I took loads of pictures as well. Here's a couple -  one thing that perhaps I shouldn't admit was that with this look, for probably the first time, I felt sexy as a woman!

Today I was able to try a new floaty long top from Yours. Mrs T suggested wearing with leggings and I think it looks OK, but does nothing to hide my size. I like it though. Must try with jeans! Oh well, there is always tomorrow!

Here's today's look - 

All that continues to bug me now is not going out. I feel so, so comfortable being a woman, I just want to be like it all of the time. One day, I just know I will burst and tell everybody...

Until the next time readers,


Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Post-weekend thoughts...

I meant to write something yesterday, but ran out of time. A good thing I did as it turns out.

I'm very grateful of the feedback from my last post as it all rung true and although I was almost in the mindset of acceptance of my situation, I wasn't quite there.

The week-end has allowed time to reflect.

Going as a family to the comedy was good, but not 100%. Firstly, my daughter wasn't very well, but still struggled through, and secondly, the show was OK, but not 'laugh a minute'. Still, beggars can't be choosers, and as I didn't express any desire to see the particular show, I have to be grateful of birthday surprises. (The wicked Tina side of me would have much more appreciated "here's the train fare to London so you can lunch with Sue and the other girls.")

Sunday, I spent doing nothing. I haven't done that for ages (apart from when unwell). I just sat and did nothing, apart from watching the footy on TV and playing some games on Mrs T's laptop.

Monday comes, and I am already stressed about the week ahead. Still stuck in a job I don't want to do, but also having to cover for someone on leave as well. Roll on Friday. House full of kids as well, so not even time for a little practise make-up. Did book a night away for a family birthday in a couple of week's time, which might involve some shopping time (hooray!). Then it all went yuk...

As suspected, (is it my womanly side that allowed this?), my daughter's relationship of 2 years+ has hit the wall. At 10 pm in the evening as well, when me and Mrs T were out at a meeting, and said person was all alone here at home. I'm not going to bother with the detail, but we had to leave the meeting and return home as my daughter was hysterical.

It took until gone midnight to calm her down. I know this is just the start as well. She has staked the rest of her life on this chap. Total, unconditional love being given.

Life, ain't like that, and when it does come all crashing down, it IS the end of the world. I know, I've been there, done that, got the vest top...

So we'll have to park Tina even more I suspect, as I can't have anything to distract what will need to be done, and we all fear the worst in these situations. It didn't help that I also was reduced to tears last night. No surprise there as that is what I generally do. Part of what I am.

There is much then to ponder as we move through the week. Who knows what later will bring. (all is quiet at the mo, as people are still asleep..)

We all need this like a hole in the head...

Until next time, kind readers.


Friday, 24 February 2012

Friday ramblings...

Having got that first post off my chest (comments anyone?), time to let the old thoughts flow.

It's been a crap time recently, and especially this week. It just seems that everything is going wrong at once. Of course the consequences for me are that not much T-ness is available.

Just to get it all off of the chest then...

Mrs T - Still has major problems with Tina, and insists that I don't understand. I find it's the other way round in that she doesn't understand just how damn frustrated and serious I am about my situation. Anyway, I have to also feel sorry for her, as her mother and sister have gone and put the boot in yet again. It's a long story, but in a nutshell, they did things behind her back that were awful. Mrs T cannot forgive what they did, and they add insult to injury by continuing to not only blame her (she is blameless), but have added other hurtful things.

The current episode relates to a significant birthday coming up and the tone of the invite that was sent to Mrs T.  Without going into detail, it was totally impersonal and that was from mother to daughter! So much so, that Mrs T didn't even notice that 'Bob' had not even been invited... I'm not bothered about this at all, as I decided that I would cut them out of my life some time ago for what they had done to Mrs T... The inevitable call came this week to see if the invite was received, and her sister managed to turn it round to say it was Mrs T's fault once more. Her fault for receiving an awful invite and having the audacity to be annoyed about it!

So I feel sorry for her for sure. She should also cut them out of her life as well. They are not worth it. However, it is her 'duty' to still keep in contact with them.

The kids - No.1 son has been told he's under threat of redundancy this week. Looking like 65% chance of being shown the door. Not good at all, and that adds to Mrs T's woes. No. 1 daughter is having issues with remote boyfriend. They have been together for over 2 years and if it now goes wrong, she will be a mess. The messiest of messes. Not good. Another burden for Mrs T too!

So it's been a rubbish week. No. 1 son's job still means I can't dress at all at the moment. A real pain! I'd defaulted to just wearing some eye make-up in the day. Guess what? Yesterday, I forgot I had it on and the Mrs caught me (again). Last night over some drinkies, she had a right go! More tears etc. She accuses me of wanting to add to what's accepted bit by bit. This is not my intention at all. I just want to have some Tina time, even if its just some eye-shadow! Anyway, I got the hump and had more beer back home and now have a rotten hangover. Stupid Girl!

Oh well, that's Friday. I  wonder what the w/e will bring?

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

First ramblings from the mad house...

OK then, here we go with my very first blog...

So, why write it?

Good question!

I'm not of a mind that really follows fashion, and teccy-wise, I like to leave it a good while before trying anything out. I also have come to a point in my life where the technology and my needs have collided. In a nutshell, my state of mind needs somewhere to 'brain dump', and this appears to be as good as anywhere...

So, what is up with my state of mind?

Well, that's easy...(ish)...just over a year ago, a sequence of events started which has had a profound effect on my life. In short, I dared to explore my inner feelings, which I'd successfully buried for many years. Although I can't say hand on heart that these feelings have ever been strong, looking back, I've always thought I was a bit different. A year of deep thinking has convinced me that I am indeed different. (I know it says on the blog that I am female, strictly speaking, I'm not).

That is enough to confuse any reader I think?

To make it clear, I never was comfortable with playing boisterous sports and games. Nothing wrong with that. I never played with dolls, until 'Action Man' came along, and then was ridiculed by my mum for 'playing with dolls'. I always thought at the time "what's wrong with playing with dolls anyhow?" I also had a best friend at primary school who guess what, was a girl. (Seasoned T Girl blog readers will see where this is going now I think). I did all the boys things, football etc, but to be honest, I was physically rubbish. A wimp.

All of my time at school, both Primary and Secondary was spent bullied. I was scared all of the time. I did nothing. Told no one. I was quite good in Primary. One of the top stream, you would call it. Perhaps this was a gender trait? Secondary was not great. I seriously under-achieved. coming from a small church school, I was not prepared for a big comprehensive. I would have been able to go to grammar school, but it was a bus-ride away, and my mum convinced me I was scared. I didn't need to be convinced.

I started trying on some of my mum's clothes from and early age. I had always associated this with a sexual act, but years have actually proved that the actual 'excitement', was doing something you are not allowed to do. I can clearly remember feeling that I felt 'better' with girl's clothes on. Later on, when the news/TV first touched on the fact that gender could be re-assigned, and that there were people who were born 'in the wrong body, I thought 2 things - "I don't think I'm in the wrong body, surely, I'd know for sure?", and surprisingly "I'd like to have that done. I'd like to have boobs etc". I still cannot reconcile those thoughts.

To cut a long story short, I carried on secretly dressing into married life. Not very often, and not very seriously. I did buy some underwear at one point, but hid them, which seemed to be an annoyance, mostly. One thing perhaps that I did wrong was go from living with parents at home, to being married. I think things would be very different if I had of had some time on my own, or gone to Uni. I might be a post-trans woman by now I think. Who knows?

Back to the dressing. Late in 2010, I'd had another bought of using my wife's clothes, and two things happened. Firstly, I got fed up trying to fit my overweight frame into my wife's size 18 clothes, so I decided that I'd buy some clothes of my own. I'd been active on Ebay for 2-3 years on a hobby, so it was easy. Secondly, I lost the sexual connection with dressing. It just felt normal to dress that way. Actually, I think the previous note about the 'excitement' of doing something naughty was what went away. I just did not see why I should consider it 'naughty' any more. I've not changed my opinion since.

Before I continue, in order to clear all of the 'negative' crap from my brain, I need to 'own up', to something that I have told nearly no-one. In my early days of secondary school, I was also in a local church choir. During this time, I was 'groomed' by the choir master's assistant, and had a gay relationship with him, and another boy in the choir. I also ended up having a gay relationship with my best friend at secondary school at the time. I as always of the opinion that this was just puberty and sexual experimentation. The term 'Grooming' (and indeed the word Gay), had not come into regular parlance in those days.

I've been straight since, at one time being quite homo-phobic, due to my reaction to discovering what 'Grooming' was. I've long thought about this time, and in all honesty, I don't really feel I did anything wrong. I know I enjoyed what happened at the time. Again, the mystery in the T world is "was this me just being a submissive female?"

Back to dressing again - I went a bit potty on Ebay and things were due to be delivered. I'd ordered skirts, make up, etc. Not something to be easy to explain if the wrong person opened it. I had told my wife 'loosely', about having cross-dressing feelings once. I'd also been caught with make up remnants on. Given what I was feeling, and the imminent deliveries, I decided I would tell her.

We were due to go away for the w/e, (to Manchester of all places, and at the time I had no idea what it meant as a T place, nor heard of the village!) On our first evening, we sat enjoying a drink in one of my favourite pubs - Bar Fringe - and I came out to her. To cut a long story short, this was received OK, and I had gone to great lengths to explain that I wasn't looking to transition etc, just dress in my own clothes 'occasionally'. I realise now that she might see this as me having lied, but I don't believe I did, because I was just at the start of learning myself. The w/e ended with a couple of shopping trips, and my very first pair of heels. All was great!

By way of an explanation, where I was in Manchester T wise, was very naive. I honestly thought that just dressing in isolation was all I was looking for. This has proved to be way wrong. I've gone much further than that, and I want to go much further still. I can therefore sympathise with my wife's state of mind having expected one thing, and had subsequently experienced me going much further.

Now we are a year on, many things have happened. I joined the UK Angels site as soon as I was back from Manchester, and the real process of learning started. It continues today. During this year, I have leaned much about how difficult it actually is to be a girl all of the time. I have also met some wonderful people with a similar T outlook. I've also been able to help some others on Angels who are newer to this than me. My greatest achievements have to be the three occasions I have been out in public fully dressed and purporting to be female.

It has not been without pain. Being in a marriage when this happens is not easy. You are automatically on the back foot. I've taken loads of advice and followed it, mostly, but the fact remains, that although I get help with one or two things like "does this look OK?", and the fact my wife loves the new me that wants to go shopping all the time, things are not OK at all. To put it bluntly, my wife hates everything about it. She wishes it never happened and would go away. Of course I have not changed in my love for her, and she insists that she loves me too. She always says, usually after a big crying session, "we'll just have to get through it!". This is all well and good, but I have no doubt that my feelings are not going to diminish or stop.

This then brings me right to the point of starting this blog. At this point in time, I feel totally frustrated at my situation. I want to be what I want to be, and I'm 99% sure that this means being female most of the time. I've been close to tears quite a lot recently whilst thinking this through. I just want more Tina time, and I also would like everyone who knows me in my male persona to know about Tina too. I'm just getting tired having to pretend. I know that this all goes against all advice I have had, and I would be considered as stupid to push things too far. The consequences are very serious, I know, but my heart really is ruling my head right now.

Having said all of that, the most likely situation is that nothing is going to happen anytime soon. I am pragmatic enough still not to press the 'self-destruct' button. However, it does nothing for the level of frustration I feel.

That is all I have to say in this first post. More than enough of baring the soul, for anyone to have written, I think?

One thing I do know, (but I wish I could have some sort of definitive medical answer), is that I am trans-gendered. Perhaps bi-gendered is a better description?