Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Where is my mind?

I've chosen the title due to my topsy-turvy feelings, which I am trying to get my head around right now.

I'll try to explain...

It's not that I am down in the dumps too much, or the reverse - it's where I am at and where I am going that is filling my thoughts today.

I've just spent 2 days dressed, after a while of not being able to do much. The feelings of euphoria and 'rightness', came flooding back. So much so, that I was very close to not changing back, when people were due home. This happened both days.

So it started me thinking? Am I content with how I am now, with occasional dressing and the odd journey out?

Well, if I'm brutally honest no, I'm not. The feelings I have when I am dressed overwhelm me. I just feel so, so good! So, so right. But where to go? Just more dressing? No, I don't think that is the whole answer. OK here comes the bombshell number one - I think I'm actually ready to go full time! There I've said it!

Yes I know the problems that would bring and I probably haven't even thought of all of them...and I know this is very much a selfish feeling and desire. I do increasingly feel its right for me though. Perhaps I could do with some help to talk it through more?

Well there we are, my scrambled head. But wait, that's not all...

Today, it got worse. I'll go straight for it...there was I just relaxing after lunch before returning to work and a thought struck me. Could I actually ever see myself having GRS? Whenever I've had that thought (being part of Angels means your surrounded by this course of action) before, I've always ruled it out.

Today was different. For the first time ever, the answer was "yes I could". Bombshell number two. Furthermore, I let my mind wander a bit more and I think, actually, this is what my goal may now be? The problems with that are of course even more serious than going full time. All this has rather taken me aback and I feel almost guilty for daring to think/dream along these lines. I want to tell Mrs T, but I'm very afraid of the consequences.

Perhaps it's just a silly phase that I'm going through? (Ouch, my head hurts!)

Well, that's a load at least down in words, which helps a bit.

What else is there to say today? Well, I've been experimenting further with a half and half eye shadow look, with pink in the first half of the lid and grey in the second (towards the outside of the face). I have to say I love it! I need to try some more colours, but I'm getting much better at blending (my recently acquired brush/blender from Avon is great). I've also started to go a bit heavier on eye liner, which is giving me a sultry, (dare I say even sexy?) look.

I wanted to take a picture, but I've been lazy in the face hair department (failed to buy expensive blades), and so I wasn't happy with the overall look today. Need to go shopping. So much Tina needs!

I did want to go to the Nottingham Invasion, but a combination of things - Mrs T mostly (I did so enjoy the A-Team comments on Facebook!), will prevent me going. I really want to meet some more people as well as the lovely girls I already know. The good news is that Sue is organising a London lunch and at last it looks like I can go. I HAVE to go, for so many reasons.

Yesterday I finally got around to seeing the last episode of "My Transexual Summer", and I have to say I cried a lot at the end. I loved the programme, because I am one of them. I'm the same. I wish I was as young as some of them, but hey ho, I'm glad I am what I am.

Well that's it. A fairly serious blog, but being trans isn't all fun.

Thanks for reading.



  1. Sweetie, take things gently. And talk things over with as many others as you can over time. Friends and family can bring new perspectives that we can't see when we are introspective and on our own. Also, what seems right one day can seem less right the next - being us is like that (and is indeed true of life generally). I used to think comparable thoughts 15 years ago and, as you can see, I'm still not full time. Love, Sue xxx

  2. Full Time Dressing and Full Time Living are very different things...

    Being a quirky guy who dresses as a female is probably no big deal to most friends and family... But once you start to 'Live full-time' as a female then people have to refer to you as she/her and you will be treated very differently by friends and family (and not always in a positive way)

    I have been a quirky type of person my entire life, Very arty and musical and people are used to me doing weird things.
    But the day i actually told people that i was transsexual changed how people saw me. How i saw myself.

    Don't make any rash decisions!