Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Random thoughts as an update.

Hello once again dear readers,

It's been a while since I last updated, and today I have a little time, so here are my latest thoughts.

Tina-wise, all is well to a point. I thought I'd lost my T mojo yesterday, but that was just a blip. I am looking forward to the next time out, which may be London again, but also could be Sparkle. I will need to consider that I have enough to wear - (any excuse for shopping...), but I think I already do have what I need. (Mind you - could do with some sandals - and I just cannot get on with toe posts - but Mrs T is starting to train me..)

On the subject of Mrs T, I think we have come to a good understanding of what I am all about now. Things have been much calmer of late. She also let me order some Avon the other day.

This hot weather strangely has got me down a bit. I've been desperate to wear a really long skirt I picked up for £2 in a sale. Seems a perfect one for hot weather? No opportunity to dress at home...

I still get a bit tearful at times, but I think that is to do with what's happening to my Son at the moment, rather than out and out frustration at not being a girl enough.

My son has now had it confirmed that he will be made redundant, effectively this coming Friday. I feel really gutted for him. He joined the company he is at now as an apprentice 5 years ago. He passed his 2 years of study and learning, and was taken on proper. 3 years later they are throwing him in the dustbin at the age of 25. This can't be right!

He also was really discriminated against in the process for selection, and now says he intends to go for unfair dismissal. Are there any employment law experts out there who might be able to advise? (for free...)

My daughter has finally moved on from the ex, and is her old self again. At least that bit of the house is repaired. My son's other half dumped him Saturday, and then they made up Sunday...It was not fun having a 6' plus hunk of a bear sobbing uncontrollably in my arms on Saturday. I was at a loss at what to do or say?

Anyway, that's the update from Tina-land. Hope everyone is chilled and looking forward to the Jubilee week-end.


Tuesday, 15 May 2012

London lunching - the aftermath.

Hi there Dear readers,

Firstly, I'd like to say thanks to those who have taken the time to read my blog lately and give comments and advice. I really appreciate it.

OK then, it's Tuesday, 2 days after my first ever trip out to London as me. I didn't want to re-post what I have posted on Angels (you can find it here is you are interested) - http://www.angelsforum.co.uk/phpforum/viewtopic.php?f=44&t=22374

I more wanted to reflect on how I feel now, compared to how I felt before Sunday.

That's an easy answer...or is it?

I have to get this off my chest right away - I was totally euphoric yesterday, until about 2 pm in the afternoon.


It was like being hit by a freight train. I just felt so miserable. I sobbed and sobbed, and for no apparent reason.

Being of a personality trait that is used to being 'in control', and used to 'analysing' things in order to feel more comfortable, this really took me by surprise. I also have to say that I am fine today - I little tired still, but fine.

I guess there could be many reasons, and probably compounded reasons why. Likely it was just a case of being so excited about Sunday before hand, and having such a great day, it was just a reaction to the come down?

Both my wife and son became aware of my tears, and did their best to comfort. I couldn't say why I felt why I did though. Was I afraid to tell the real truth? I think even I am scared to answer that. Is the real truth the feeling of hopelessness faced with an impossible position - Married, and happily so, not a massive circle of friends, but enough to know me and Mrs T well and care about us - but on the other hand me being totally convinced my future is in the female gender. I guess other married T-Girls all suffer from this dilemma. It is a rare situation where a partner totally accepts you have to be what you really feel you are.

I have to take this one step at a time. I know that. I have no idea where this particular journey is going, but I know I have no desire to jump off the train. I know where I think it is going, but also that this is likely to change at the next junction.

Back to the original question - do I feel different as a result of Sunday? Oh yes! Yes indeed!

I achieved so much on Sunday (see Angels post), but what is underneath it all, was the realisation that I had become Tina properly as a result. It happened as the day went on, and the smile on my face as I neared my home station on the train, was huge. The feeling deep inside me was even larger. Massive.

I feel I have moved much closer to being comfortable as Tina. Not that I wasn't comfortable before. I'm probably using the wrong words? I feel more 'right'?

So where to go from here? I don't know? Well, yes I do - take it easy, think it through. Let things progress naturally. If my destiny is to become physically female, then so be it. If it isn't, then, what I have already achieved, and am becoming increasingly used to, is also fine. As long as it includes lunching, going out, whatever, with people who are so incredibly amazing, then who in their right mind wouldn't want to enjoy all that?

Who indeed when feeling like I did at the end of Sunday wouldn't want to feel that way again and again?

Next time out is also worth looking forward to - Sparkle. We did discuss this on Sunday, some people are compelled to go, some not. There are as many reasons for going as there are T Girls I think? For me, last year's Sparkle was when Joanne Public met Tina for the very first time. I had met no one else before. As a result, to some extent, Sparkle was when Pandora jumped out of the box. So, I am going again, but for an entirely different reason - to meet up with some of the wonderful friends I have made already on this amazing journey. Better start planning some shopping trips then...  

Well, that is about all I wish to say right now. Your comments appreciated, welcomed, and indeed encouraged.

Until next time,


Thursday, 10 May 2012

Pre-London lunch thoughts and an update.

Hello dear hearts, (as Ermintrude used to say.)

I find myself almost at the end of another busy week. I will try not to ramble, but 'libations' have already been had...

Righto - My mental state and how it is affected by my loved ones...

Wife - been sick all week. Mother/Sister are not bothering us, but are still the lowest of the low. Has given me her blessing for my outing (and I hope this doesn't turn into a bad pun!), on Sunday. She has even advised on suitable attire! Under threat of 're-grading', at work.

Son - Definitely selected for redundancy today. Crap! Supports my T'ness without question. Our joint efforts on preparing him for today's crunch meeting may bear fruit...Thought he was about to split up with GF of 6 months this week, but turns out not so. Has a scrambled head, but I'm giving him 100% support.

Daughter - In denial about the effects of break up with long-term boyfriend, but working her 2 part-time jobs hard. Knows what I am doing Sunday and (sort of ), accepts it. One part time job due to end in July, so (should be) looking for work...

Me - Work is rubbish. Still on 'secondment' with the threat of being in the 'bin' hanging over me. The secondment job is crap, and I could write for hours why. Lets just say some people haven't a clue what project/programme management is meant to be about. It sure isn't about spreadsheets, e-mails, and endless conference calls!

So - that makes all four of us here with job-related issues...and 2 with relationship issues, and 2 with health issues. Oh what joy!

(reminder to self - you said you wouldn't ramble!)

and back to T stuff! (which is why you read...)

On Sunday, I am going to lunch with a bunch of T Girls in London. Now this presents a few firsts...

1 - Not been to London in T mode before. I was born there and my dear old Dad was a Cabbie for 38 years there. It holds a special place in my heart and always will.

2 - I'm going by train. Not been on a train dressed before. Not worried too much. I'm going anyway.

3 - All this means I am leaving the house dressed in daylight. OK, it's Sunday, so maybe no neighbours will notice...I'll be coming back like this as well, so they'll all get a second chance. I think this has sunk in with Mrs T today! I know I should care, but I don't. Time to move on.

and so I am really excited about going, and naturally, more than a bit scared...

It will be great. I am certain. What will make it easier is that I will know 2 others who are going, and if all goes well I'll be not alone on the train, having met another girl from MK who I know through Angels and F/B.

That's where I am. I'll certainly post what happened next week. No doubt there will be some piccies too!

All that is left now is that weather forecast and what to wear?