Tuesday, 21 February 2012

First ramblings from the mad house...

OK then, here we go with my very first blog...

So, why write it?

Good question!

I'm not of a mind that really follows fashion, and teccy-wise, I like to leave it a good while before trying anything out. I also have come to a point in my life where the technology and my needs have collided. In a nutshell, my state of mind needs somewhere to 'brain dump', and this appears to be as good as anywhere...

So, what is up with my state of mind?

Well, that's easy...(ish)...just over a year ago, a sequence of events started which has had a profound effect on my life. In short, I dared to explore my inner feelings, which I'd successfully buried for many years. Although I can't say hand on heart that these feelings have ever been strong, looking back, I've always thought I was a bit different. A year of deep thinking has convinced me that I am indeed different. (I know it says on the blog that I am female, strictly speaking, I'm not).

That is enough to confuse any reader I think?

To make it clear, I never was comfortable with playing boisterous sports and games. Nothing wrong with that. I never played with dolls, until 'Action Man' came along, and then was ridiculed by my mum for 'playing with dolls'. I always thought at the time "what's wrong with playing with dolls anyhow?" I also had a best friend at primary school who guess what, was a girl. (Seasoned T Girl blog readers will see where this is going now I think). I did all the boys things, football etc, but to be honest, I was physically rubbish. A wimp.

All of my time at school, both Primary and Secondary was spent bullied. I was scared all of the time. I did nothing. Told no one. I was quite good in Primary. One of the top stream, you would call it. Perhaps this was a gender trait? Secondary was not great. I seriously under-achieved. coming from a small church school, I was not prepared for a big comprehensive. I would have been able to go to grammar school, but it was a bus-ride away, and my mum convinced me I was scared. I didn't need to be convinced.

I started trying on some of my mum's clothes from and early age. I had always associated this with a sexual act, but years have actually proved that the actual 'excitement', was doing something you are not allowed to do. I can clearly remember feeling that I felt 'better' with girl's clothes on. Later on, when the news/TV first touched on the fact that gender could be re-assigned, and that there were people who were born 'in the wrong body, I thought 2 things - "I don't think I'm in the wrong body, surely, I'd know for sure?", and surprisingly "I'd like to have that done. I'd like to have boobs etc". I still cannot reconcile those thoughts.

To cut a long story short, I carried on secretly dressing into married life. Not very often, and not very seriously. I did buy some underwear at one point, but hid them, which seemed to be an annoyance, mostly. One thing perhaps that I did wrong was go from living with parents at home, to being married. I think things would be very different if I had of had some time on my own, or gone to Uni. I might be a post-trans woman by now I think. Who knows?

Back to the dressing. Late in 2010, I'd had another bought of using my wife's clothes, and two things happened. Firstly, I got fed up trying to fit my overweight frame into my wife's size 18 clothes, so I decided that I'd buy some clothes of my own. I'd been active on Ebay for 2-3 years on a hobby, so it was easy. Secondly, I lost the sexual connection with dressing. It just felt normal to dress that way. Actually, I think the previous note about the 'excitement' of doing something naughty was what went away. I just did not see why I should consider it 'naughty' any more. I've not changed my opinion since.

Before I continue, in order to clear all of the 'negative' crap from my brain, I need to 'own up', to something that I have told nearly no-one. In my early days of secondary school, I was also in a local church choir. During this time, I was 'groomed' by the choir master's assistant, and had a gay relationship with him, and another boy in the choir. I also ended up having a gay relationship with my best friend at secondary school at the time. I as always of the opinion that this was just puberty and sexual experimentation. The term 'Grooming' (and indeed the word Gay), had not come into regular parlance in those days.

I've been straight since, at one time being quite homo-phobic, due to my reaction to discovering what 'Grooming' was. I've long thought about this time, and in all honesty, I don't really feel I did anything wrong. I know I enjoyed what happened at the time. Again, the mystery in the T world is "was this me just being a submissive female?"

Back to dressing again - I went a bit potty on Ebay and things were due to be delivered. I'd ordered skirts, make up, etc. Not something to be easy to explain if the wrong person opened it. I had told my wife 'loosely', about having cross-dressing feelings once. I'd also been caught with make up remnants on. Given what I was feeling, and the imminent deliveries, I decided I would tell her.

We were due to go away for the w/e, (to Manchester of all places, and at the time I had no idea what it meant as a T place, nor heard of the village!) On our first evening, we sat enjoying a drink in one of my favourite pubs - Bar Fringe - and I came out to her. To cut a long story short, this was received OK, and I had gone to great lengths to explain that I wasn't looking to transition etc, just dress in my own clothes 'occasionally'. I realise now that she might see this as me having lied, but I don't believe I did, because I was just at the start of learning myself. The w/e ended with a couple of shopping trips, and my very first pair of heels. All was great!

By way of an explanation, where I was in Manchester T wise, was very naive. I honestly thought that just dressing in isolation was all I was looking for. This has proved to be way wrong. I've gone much further than that, and I want to go much further still. I can therefore sympathise with my wife's state of mind having expected one thing, and had subsequently experienced me going much further.

Now we are a year on, many things have happened. I joined the UK Angels site as soon as I was back from Manchester, and the real process of learning started. It continues today. During this year, I have leaned much about how difficult it actually is to be a girl all of the time. I have also met some wonderful people with a similar T outlook. I've also been able to help some others on Angels who are newer to this than me. My greatest achievements have to be the three occasions I have been out in public fully dressed and purporting to be female.

It has not been without pain. Being in a marriage when this happens is not easy. You are automatically on the back foot. I've taken loads of advice and followed it, mostly, but the fact remains, that although I get help with one or two things like "does this look OK?", and the fact my wife loves the new me that wants to go shopping all the time, things are not OK at all. To put it bluntly, my wife hates everything about it. She wishes it never happened and would go away. Of course I have not changed in my love for her, and she insists that she loves me too. She always says, usually after a big crying session, "we'll just have to get through it!". This is all well and good, but I have no doubt that my feelings are not going to diminish or stop.

This then brings me right to the point of starting this blog. At this point in time, I feel totally frustrated at my situation. I want to be what I want to be, and I'm 99% sure that this means being female most of the time. I've been close to tears quite a lot recently whilst thinking this through. I just want more Tina time, and I also would like everyone who knows me in my male persona to know about Tina too. I'm just getting tired having to pretend. I know that this all goes against all advice I have had, and I would be considered as stupid to push things too far. The consequences are very serious, I know, but my heart really is ruling my head right now.

Having said all of that, the most likely situation is that nothing is going to happen anytime soon. I am pragmatic enough still not to press the 'self-destruct' button. However, it does nothing for the level of frustration I feel.

That is all I have to say in this first post. More than enough of baring the soul, for anyone to have written, I think?

One thing I do know, (but I wish I could have some sort of definitive medical answer), is that I am trans-gendered. Perhaps bi-gendered is a better description?


No comments:

Post a Comment