Hi there Dear readers,
Firstly, I'd like to say thanks to those who have taken the time to read my blog lately and give comments and advice. I really appreciate it.
OK then, it's Tuesday, 2 days after my first ever trip out to London as me. I didn't want to re-post what I have posted on Angels (you can find it here is you are interested) - http://www.angelsforum.co.uk/phpforum/viewtopic.php?f=44&t=22374
I more wanted to reflect on how I feel now, compared to how I felt before Sunday.
That's an easy answer...or is it?
I have to get this off my chest right away - I was totally euphoric yesterday, until about 2 pm in the afternoon.
It was like being hit by a freight train. I just felt so miserable. I sobbed and sobbed, and for no apparent reason.
Being of a personality trait that is used to being 'in control', and used to 'analysing' things in order to feel more comfortable, this really took me by surprise. I also have to say that I am fine today - I little tired still, but fine.
I guess there could be many reasons, and probably compounded reasons why. Likely it was just a case of being so excited about Sunday before hand, and having such a great day, it was just a reaction to the come down?
Both my wife and son became aware of my tears, and did their best to comfort. I couldn't say why I felt why I did though. Was I afraid to tell the real truth? I think even I am scared to answer that. Is the real truth the feeling of hopelessness faced with an impossible position - Married, and happily so, not a massive circle of friends, but enough to know me and Mrs T well and care about us - but on the other hand me being totally convinced my future is in the female gender. I guess other married T-Girls all suffer from this dilemma. It is a rare situation where a partner totally accepts you have to be what you really feel you are.
I have to take this one step at a time. I know that. I have no idea where this particular journey is going, but I know I have no desire to jump off the train. I know where I think it is going, but also that this is likely to change at the next junction.
Back to the original question - do I feel different as a result of Sunday? Oh yes! Yes indeed!
I achieved so much on Sunday (see Angels post), but what is underneath it all, was the realisation that I had become Tina properly as a result. It happened as the day went on, and the smile on my face as I neared my home station on the train, was huge. The feeling deep inside me was even larger. Massive.
I feel I have moved much closer to being comfortable as Tina. Not that I wasn't comfortable before. I'm probably using the wrong words? I feel more 'right'?
So where to go from here? I don't know? Well, yes I do - take it easy, think it through. Let things progress naturally. If my destiny is to become physically female, then so be it. If it isn't, then, what I have already achieved, and am becoming increasingly used to, is also fine. As long as it includes lunching, going out, whatever, with people who are so incredibly amazing, then who in their right mind wouldn't want to enjoy all that?
Who indeed when feeling like I did at the end of Sunday wouldn't want to feel that way again and again?
Next time out is also worth looking forward to - Sparkle. We did discuss this on Sunday, some people are compelled to go, some not. There are as many reasons for going as there are T Girls I think? For me, last year's Sparkle was when Joanne Public met Tina for the very first time. I had met no one else before. As a result, to some extent, Sparkle was when Pandora jumped out of the box. So, I am going again, but for an entirely different reason - to meet up with some of the wonderful friends I have made already on this amazing journey. Better start planning some shopping trips then...
Well, that is about all I wish to say right now. Your comments appreciated, welcomed, and indeed encouraged.
Until next time,