Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Moving on...

Well it's been over a week now since I saw the psych, and things have started to settle down once more.

Nothing serious has been discussed with Mrs T so far, but she has seen the official letter copy to my GP, so she can be in no doubt that we are, where we are. The doc referred to me as 'Christina' in the letter, and it made me feel all goose-pimply. I'd long decided that my 'official' name would always be 'Christina', but known as Tina for short. Seeing it in writing referring to Me was, well, wonderful!

I've had some good advice over the last few days and a lot of time to reflect. I do strongly feel that I have entered a new phase of my life. I feel empowered. I'll have to be careful though otherwise I'll burst!

I've come to terms with how I feel at this time, and am even more comfortable with my inner self. The feeling of wanting to tell everyone I know is getting stronger my the day, but I have to hold on as it would likely upset the situation at home.

My son is very supportive and I've now dressed fully for 3 days running. He doesn't hide and talks to me if I'm just normal. It is amazing!

The desire to be me is very strong as well. I went out with eye liner on the other day. My daughter noticed (sort of, she thought I had mascara on...), but I don't really care. I suspect I might just add bits here and there and see how it goes. It is inevitable that I will out myself at some point. Feeling so calm and natural being just me is so, so good. I want to feel this way permanently. 24/7.

Had a bit of retail therapy as well - new forms came today, and they are lovely, but a little larger than I was expecting. They fit perfectly in my normal bra, so they are the right size for my frame. (sorry - had to add this, they jiggle nicely as well...Blush). Had a good time round the shops on Sunday, and I know I'll be getting an Epilator for Christmas as Mrs T asked me to pick the one I wanted and put it in the basket. Can't wait to get my hands on that and seriously declare war on hair. Last evening, I went to M&S on my own (in bloke mode) and bought a nice knitted top, some ankle socks, and had a really good look around. First time I've really felt totally confident even to do that in bloke mode. Times they are a changing!

Sorry for this short ramble, I just had to share my wonderfully fulfilling and feminine thoughts.

Christina. (Tina to her friends...)

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

I have Gender Dysphoria - Official!

Hi there good blog readers, thanks for dropping by. I know it's been a while since I last wrote, but things have just been busy etc, etc.

Let's get the title out of the way first, eh?

Some people on Facebook will already know this. I went to see my local psych here in MK this last Monday  I had been referred to him after I went to see my GP in August with really bad depression. Part of that was a discussion of my perceived dysphoria, and he agree to refer me to MK Hospital.

My appointment took a while to come through, but last Monday it was and I set out with some considerable nervousness to see Dr Edgar. I'd worried about how to look and I decided to go as a Chris/Tina mix. I wore a female knitted roll-neck top and girls jeans. I put eye-liner  shadow, lip gloss and rouge on, but otherwise, presented as male. There was a bit of a 'sod 'em' attitude to anyone who might have seen me, but hey, it was my appointment about my dysphoria! I felt almost 'armed' having the war paint on..(?)

Apart from forgetting to bring any money to get my car back from the car park, I thought it went really well. I was with him for over 2 1/2 hours, and the end result was him confirming that I do have Gender Dysphoria. I feel really empowered by this as it is not all (just) in my head now. The next step is therefore to have an appointment at Charing Cross, and Dr Edgar will be referring me there.

The aftermath of this has been massive I think. Although me and the Mrs haven't talked much about Tina for ages, I thought she understood what was happening. I am not so sure now. We haven't had any time to talk about it privately yet, and to be honest, I am quite glad for the thinking time. Even just thinking time for me.

My poor Mrs also has enough on her plate at the moment having been called back from a breast scan for a second one which resulted in an immediate biopsy. I will go with her to get the results next Monday. There is every likelihood that there is nothing wrong. STOP PRESS!!! - I was just 2 paragraphs down when I took a call from the hospital (Mrs is at work) to say that she is all clear and no need to go on Monday. Great news indeed!

I think therefore I will wait until after next Monday to sit down with the Mrs and chat about where all this is going. (Perhaps no need to wait now as per above!)

For my own personal thoughts on the future, I have to say that remaining married is a very important consideration for me. This may be completely at odds with what the NHS offers in the way of 'treatment'. On the other hand, I cannot deny that the prospect of having proper boobs and the rest of it does have a big appeal. It is going to take a lot of thought and soul searching.

I had a call from a dear friend this morning to chat about things and this has been a massive help to me. It has made me look at things in a less isolated way and I feel much more empowered to take the right steps, and most importantly, at the right time.

OK my thought train has brought me to here, so lets try an experiment?

Q - What's more important? Having your bits cut off or staying married?
A - Initial thoughts are staying married, but I could also say, actually, I would like both!

Q - Why wouldn't you be happy to remain as you are now?
A - Easy, because I am not happy as I am now. I am living a lie. I feel much more happy when I am female. Massively more.

Q - Is there a compromise situation to be found?
A - Perhaps, but it all comes down to how I am perceived and how people around me will react?

Well that was a good train of thought experiment! Following on, I am increasingly feeling that I need to come out to many more people and be free to be Tina much more of the time. I guess that if I was Tina very much more, perhaps I wouldn't feel the urge so much to take this all to the point of no return?

One thing that is very clear is I need to get out and talk to more people about this and if I could just get the Mrs to come along, I think it would be a great help?

As in some blogs, this post seems to have run out of steam. However, a quick catch up is necessary on the home front.

My son now has a contract job, so fingers crossed he is on the right track. Also, he is totally used to me being Tina around the house when the others are out at work.

My Daughter and I have not really talked about my life as Tina. She knows about my appointment and the result. Not sure if she know what it all means. I think that I'll need a conversation with her too. Probably with mum in attendance.

Elsewhere, work is still rubbish. I am in the 're-deployee' bin trying to find another role. If truth be known I'd give up work tomorrow, but hey ho, due to endowment mis-selling and their legal cover up, I can't retire just yet.

Well that's it for now. Thanks for reading. Comments very very welcome as per normal.