Monday, 16 July 2012
Some pre-Sparkle catch up thoughts, and post-Sparkle news.
Wow! Where to start this post?
I write this post-Sparkle, but I having been too busy before, I also want to cover one or two things pre-Sparkle as well. I'll start with Fathers Day...
It was a strange thing for me this year, well I felt strange, but perhaps I shouldn't have? In a nutshell, I felt really odd. Nothing can take away the fact I am and always will be a father of 2, it just didn't feel right this year?
Now I quick update on life at home. Opportunities to dress are pretty much zero now due to my Son being home all of the time. Poor sod did get made redundant, and I really feel for him. He does let me practice my eye make up and is not actually bothered if I dress a little bit on an occasional basis. It is an odd feeling though and I do not feel quite right with it all yet.
It's has been a bit up and down with Mrs T, she hates it one minute and chooses outfits for me and lets me order from her mates Avon book the next...
My daughter doesn't seem to want to discuss it at all. Things might just come to a head soon I think?
The last part of my pre-sparkle thoughts are around work. I hate what I am doing, and the stress levels are awful. Came to a head the other week when I burst into tears on a work phone call. Not a good thing to do. I wonder if I was already full time it might have been more acceptable for a girl to cry...
This was my 2nd Sparkle, with last year's being the first time Tina went out in public.
I am a very different girl a year on. Much more confident. I think it is mostly due to being more comfortable with the choice of clothes, and having practised enough on my make up now. Having some great friends has been a great help too!
This year I went with no real thought about what it would bring. I know I was a bit nervous, but no where near as bad as last time. Having hit the hotel, I became Tina and after confirming where some friends were, went out to meet them. Bumped into 2 of the stars of 'My Transsexual Summer as well and said hello.
I don't want to go into every detail about the week end, but highlights were helping my friend Sue with organising the Angels lunch on the Saturday, which went really well, and just having fun with friends. I also met some people for the first time, some of which I knew on-line and some brand new ones. I even had an opportunity to meet a new girl with her partner and had a great chat. This was whilst I was having a moment on my own in one of the bars. It was good to be able to be able to help someone else who was where I was a year ago.
Another highlight which I had almost forgotten was I managed to go shopping for the very first time on my own. It was the MOST empowering thing of the weekend. I loved it!
All in all is was a truly great week-end.
Now, though, we are into the aftermath...and this has 2 aspects.
Firstly the comedown. After last year I was understandably euphoric. It was the Tuesday afterwards that it hit me. So, this time, I was prepared! NOT!
As I had to come home not dressed, 'Tina time' effectively finished on the Sunday morning. I'd bought my very first nightie during my shopping trip and had worn it all night. I have to admit doing something strange when I awoke - I put my boobs and wig back on, put my nightie back on, and got back into bed for a short time. I guess I was wanting to be even more 'proper'? I took it all off again, and then gradually (well very slowly), but Tina away. My nail polish was the last thing to get removed, but not before I had sobbed my heart out. Several times. I just did not want to go back to being male. I did seriously consider going home dressed, but managed to talk myself out of it, saying to myself that it would be OK to go back as expected and not rock the boat. This though, on the thought that one day I would not have to be in male mode at all...
OK that is 'normal' and it is part of post-Sparkle blues that lots of girls get. I just didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it has. I am nearly in tears again just writing this down. I thought that I would be OK. It actually feels 10 times worse than last year!
Secondly, my thoughts going forward...oh heck.
As part of my vesuvial meltdown yesterday morning, I swore to myself that Tina has to be and has to be permanently. Now I know I've had those thoughts and blogged about them before, so no need to go over old ground. I also know that the impact of going in that direction would be massive on my family, friends etc. I'm scared that I might do the wrong thing, but at the same time excited as hell at the prospect. A year ago, I never thought I would be thinking seriously what I am now thinking. So much of me wants just to be 'me' and all the time, not just Sparkle and other outings. It feels that good to be Tina.
I do know that this just might be post-Sparkle rubbish, and I'll have to be careful. It is not easy being careful though, especially when you are effectively only one 'statement to the Mrs' away from the point of
no return...One thing that might happen is she may ask me what I want to do going forward, and I am not going to be able to lie...
That brings me onto one more bit of yesterday that I hated. We usually go to see some friends at the local each Suday about 5. This co-incided with me being picked up from the station and we went straight there. Before going in, Mrs T asked me for a story of why I hadn't been around for the w/e, and we concocted one saying we'd been busy and that we'd been shopping yesterday to Bedford and I'd had some beers. This was to allow for the fact that I had had some post-Sparkle beers before getting on the train in Manchester.
Where this all went wrong was down to me going in the same place for breakfast on my way toManchester, mainly to say 'bye' to my Daughter who works there. On Friday this all seemed fine and it was explained to one of her work mates (who knows me well as a customer) that I was just going away for the w/e. No reason why given.He was also working yesterday, so we had him knowing that I'd been away and a story to others that I hadn't. Not a great place to be in. I also managed to confuse it further by saying something to another bar person who knows me. I effectively nearly came out to him. Not good and hopefully that can be repaired. Again I am an idiot cos I told my daughter what had happened when I got home. She was not pleased!
What that did bring home to me was the danger lying brings. I hate it. I mean I really hate it. I therefore think it is time to come out to my friends and be done with? They are bound to find out anyway as I can't help just pushing the odd boundary back here and there...to be honest, the only reason I haen't told the world is because of the 'perceived' embarrassment that my wife thinks will fall on her. It is a quandary.
To coin a phrase or two from Ron Moody as Fagin - I am reviewing the situation...I think I better think it out again!
Thanks for reading. More thoughts when I've stored some up again. Feel free to comment as per normal.