Pre-Christmas thoughts...

Dear readers,

I thought I'd give an update as it will probably be the last one of 2012. I have a lot going round my head at the moment.

Let's start with Christmas...

I've always loved it, and part of me still does, but there is a part of me now that hates it. This I am struggling to rationalise - how can you feel 2 ways about something? (That's easy, I'm Trans am I not?)

What I mean is that as I get older, I seem to more and more long for the days of old, and particularly have my Mum and Dad back again to talk to. There is so much to say to them now, not least my current angst. I miss my brother Geoffrey too. Therefore I find myself most tearful at times. I recognise the feelings of depression, and it would be easier to slip into that again.

One thing that has kept me going is buying presents for my family. I haven't gone over board, but have wrapped things far more carefully, including ribbons and bows, than I ever have done before. I can't help but  blame (wrong word) on my girlishness. I am looking forward to the day and seeing their faces. I've even made a present for Mrs T - Chocolate covered Cherries. Not done that before.

This year will be strange for another reason - my Son will be not joining us from Christmas for the first time. He is going to the Czech Republic to spend it with his girlfriend and her family. Serious stuff. Those 2 have settled their differences and have just moved in together in a flat. So he has moved out, which is a bit sad, but  it leaves me able to dress and do what I like 4 1/2 days a week again.

I've already had my Christmas/Birthday present (Chris's birthday, not 'mine' -  we have different Birthdays, and his is unfortunately on the 29th of December). It was a trip to see Madness at the O2. They were brilliant. First time I've seen them. Knew most of the songs and sung along with gusto...bought a Fez as well. (for 'Chris'). The only downside of this was I had to miss the Christmas trip to Pink Punters and especially, meeting up with my friends.

I'm hoping Santa will be kind with other presents. My list of things was stacked with Girly stuff of course, but only time will tell if Mrs T allows herself to accept that is what I am and my needs are different now. A tough ask, but not as tough as it will get in 2013 I suspect. I do know that I will be getting my Epilator and I am sure the other girls in the house will share it. I certainly don't mind. I've asked for permission to have my ears pierced for the 2nd year running. Not hopeful.

So that will be Christmas and shortly, the end of 2012. A difficult year.

If you had told me what was coming this time last year, I would have stayed in 2011!

We've gone thorough most of it and come out the other side I guess.

My son now has a stable relationship and a new rented flat. He has also just heard he has a permanent job starting end of January, which puts him back on track from being made redundant in May.

My Daughter has now got over her ex at last. I think it will be a long time before she trusts another. She has blossomed though at her work place, and has secured her teacher training place for next September. She has a great skill at baking too. One she could make money out of...

Mrs T has got over her breast cancer scare and is fully OK. She still has the main issue to cope with - me. Poor thing was quite ill recently with a combination of novo virus and ear infection, but she is all mended now. It was a shame as she missed 2 Christmas do's as a result.

...and me? Still don't have a new position at work, but am trying hard to find one. Life will change when I do as I don't think I'll be working from home much any more, which is going to scupper my dressing. :-(((
I'll just have to get out at week-ends more!

Talking of going out, I went to my friend Sue's recent lunch in London and had a thoroughly good time. I find these events suit me as a person right down to the ground. Still haven't managed the Nottingham trip yet, but hope to do that in the new year.

I was also thinking...it strikes me as normal to feel how I do, and when I am at one of these lunches, I do not consider my fellow lunch companions to be anything other than girls. I just see them all that way. It never crosses my mind that they are anything else. I wonder if everyone like us feels like this? I wonder if they see me the same way?

2013 - what will it bring? Change is likely? I think so. I heard from the psych yesterday that I can opt for Nottingham instead of Charing Cross. No idea what Nottingham is like? I'll put a post on Angels to ask I think. Hopefully, work will be sorted soon as well.

The big one is going to be answering the BIG question - to start the process of transition or not. Obviously it has massive connotations - will Mrs T stand by me and accept being in a relationship with another woman? I think not, and if that is how it pans out, then do I stay or do I go? The prospect of living the rest of my life as a woman fills me with excitement and trepidation at the same time. It is THE massive step. Do I want it? Right now, the answer is yes, most definitely. Whether I am mentally ready is another thing.

This leads me to another question and one that seems very odd. Is it possible to 'wish' yourself more female physically? I swear I have the beginnings of proper hips, my boobs are getting bigger, and certain bits have shrunk so much that I am having trouble using the loo in the normal way men do! Perhaps I am deluded? After all, I am not on hormones. Perhaps there is something in our food these days that is doing it?

Oh well, that's about all I have time for now. I know tears will be shed by me over Christmas and especially on New Year's eve/day. Will 2013 be my last as Christopher and my first as Christina?

Have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of you.

Tina
xxx

Moving on...

Well it's been over a week now since I saw the psych, and things have started to settle down once more.

Nothing serious has been discussed with Mrs T so far, but she has seen the official letter copy to my GP, so she can be in no doubt that we are, where we are. The doc referred to me as 'Christina' in the letter, and it made me feel all goose-pimply. I'd long decided that my 'official' name would always be 'Christina', but known as Tina for short. Seeing it in writing referring to Me was, well, wonderful!

I've had some good advice over the last few days and a lot of time to reflect. I do strongly feel that I have entered a new phase of my life. I feel empowered. I'll have to be careful though otherwise I'll burst!

I've come to terms with how I feel at this time, and am even more comfortable with my inner self. The feeling of wanting to tell everyone I know is getting stronger my the day, but I have to hold on as it would likely upset the situation at home.

My son is very supportive and I've now dressed fully for 3 days running. He doesn't hide and talks to me if I'm just normal. It is amazing!

The desire to be me is very strong as well. I went out with eye liner on the other day. My daughter noticed (sort of, she thought I had mascara on...), but I don't really care. I suspect I might just add bits here and there and see how it goes. It is inevitable that I will out myself at some point. Feeling so calm and natural being just me is so, so good. I want to feel this way permanently. 24/7.

Had a bit of retail therapy as well - new forms came today, and they are lovely, but a little larger than I was expecting. They fit perfectly in my normal bra, so they are the right size for my frame. (sorry - had to add this, they jiggle nicely as well...Blush). Had a good time round the shops on Sunday, and I know I'll be getting an Epilator for Christmas as Mrs T asked me to pick the one I wanted and put it in the basket. Can't wait to get my hands on that and seriously declare war on hair. Last evening, I went to M&S on my own (in bloke mode) and bought a nice knitted top, some ankle socks, and had a really good look around. First time I've really felt totally confident even to do that in bloke mode. Times they are a changing!

Sorry for this short ramble, I just had to share my wonderfully fulfilling and feminine thoughts.

Christina. (Tina to her friends...)

I have Gender Dysphoria - Official!

Hi there good blog readers, thanks for dropping by. I know it's been a while since I last wrote, but things have just been busy etc, etc.

Let's get the title out of the way first, eh?

Some people on Facebook will already know this. I went to see my local psych here in MK this last Monday  I had been referred to him after I went to see my GP in August with really bad depression. Part of that was a discussion of my perceived dysphoria, and he agree to refer me to MK Hospital.

My appointment took a while to come through, but last Monday it was and I set out with some considerable nervousness to see Dr Edgar. I'd worried about how to look and I decided to go as a Chris/Tina mix. I wore a female knitted roll-neck top and girls jeans. I put eye-liner  shadow, lip gloss and rouge on, but otherwise, presented as male. There was a bit of a 'sod 'em' attitude to anyone who might have seen me, but hey, it was my appointment about my dysphoria! I felt almost 'armed' having the war paint on..(?)

Apart from forgetting to bring any money to get my car back from the car park, I thought it went really well. I was with him for over 2 1/2 hours, and the end result was him confirming that I do have Gender Dysphoria. I feel really empowered by this as it is not all (just) in my head now. The next step is therefore to have an appointment at Charing Cross, and Dr Edgar will be referring me there.

The aftermath of this has been massive I think. Although me and the Mrs haven't talked much about Tina for ages, I thought she understood what was happening. I am not so sure now. We haven't had any time to talk about it privately yet, and to be honest, I am quite glad for the thinking time. Even just thinking time for me.

My poor Mrs also has enough on her plate at the moment having been called back from a breast scan for a second one which resulted in an immediate biopsy. I will go with her to get the results next Monday. There is every likelihood that there is nothing wrong. STOP PRESS!!! - I was just 2 paragraphs down when I took a call from the hospital (Mrs is at work) to say that she is all clear and no need to go on Monday. Great news indeed!

I think therefore I will wait until after next Monday to sit down with the Mrs and chat about where all this is going. (Perhaps no need to wait now as per above!)

For my own personal thoughts on the future, I have to say that remaining married is a very important consideration for me. This may be completely at odds with what the NHS offers in the way of 'treatment'. On the other hand, I cannot deny that the prospect of having proper boobs and the rest of it does have a big appeal. It is going to take a lot of thought and soul searching.

I had a call from a dear friend this morning to chat about things and this has been a massive help to me. It has made me look at things in a less isolated way and I feel much more empowered to take the right steps, and most importantly, at the right time.

OK my thought train has brought me to here, so lets try an experiment?

Q - What's more important? Having your bits cut off or staying married?
A - Initial thoughts are staying married, but I could also say, actually, I would like both!

Q - Why wouldn't you be happy to remain as you are now?
A - Easy, because I am not happy as I am now. I am living a lie. I feel much more happy when I am female. Massively more.

Q - Is there a compromise situation to be found?
A - Perhaps, but it all comes down to how I am perceived and how people around me will react?

Well that was a good train of thought experiment! Following on, I am increasingly feeling that I need to come out to many more people and be free to be Tina much more of the time. I guess that if I was Tina very much more, perhaps I wouldn't feel the urge so much to take this all to the point of no return?

One thing that is very clear is I need to get out and talk to more people about this and if I could just get the Mrs to come along, I think it would be a great help?

As in some blogs, this post seems to have run out of steam. However, a quick catch up is necessary on the home front.

My son now has a contract job, so fingers crossed he is on the right track. Also, he is totally used to me being Tina around the house when the others are out at work.

My Daughter and I have not really talked about my life as Tina. She knows about my appointment and the result. Not sure if she know what it all means. I think that I'll need a conversation with her too. Probably with mum in attendance.

Elsewhere, work is still rubbish. I am in the 're-deployee' bin trying to find another role. If truth be known I'd give up work tomorrow, but hey ho, due to endowment mis-selling and their legal cover up, I can't retire just yet.

Well that's it for now. Thanks for reading. Comments very very welcome as per normal.

Tina
xxx

Some pre-Sparkle catch up thoughts, and post-Sparkle news.

Wow! Where to start this post?

I write this post-Sparkle, but I having been too busy before, I also want to cover one or two things pre-Sparkle as well. I'll start with Fathers Day...

It was a strange thing for me this year, well I felt strange, but perhaps I shouldn't have? In a nutshell, I felt really odd. Nothing can take away the fact I am and always will be a father of 2, it just didn't feel right this year?

Now I quick update on life at home. Opportunities to dress are pretty much zero now due to my Son being home all of the time. Poor sod did get made redundant, and I really feel for him. He does let me practice my eye make up and is not actually bothered if I dress a little bit on an occasional basis. It is an odd feeling though and I do not feel quite right with it all yet.

It's has been a bit up and down with Mrs T, she hates it one minute and chooses outfits for me and lets me order from her mates Avon book the next...

My daughter doesn't seem to want to discuss it at all. Things might just come to a head soon I think?

The last part of my pre-sparkle thoughts are around work. I hate what I am doing, and the stress levels are awful. Came to a head the other week when I burst into tears on a work phone call. Not a good thing to do. I wonder if I was already full time it might have been more acceptable for a girl to cry...

Right, Sparkle.

This was my 2nd Sparkle, with last year's being the first time Tina went out in public.

I am a very different girl a year on. Much more confident. I think it is mostly due to being more comfortable with the choice of clothes, and having practised enough on my make up now. Having some great friends has been a great help too!

This year I went with no real thought about what it would bring. I know I was a bit nervous, but no where near as bad as last time. Having hit the hotel, I became Tina and after confirming where some friends were, went out to meet them. Bumped into 2 of the stars of 'My Transsexual Summer as well and said hello.


I don't want to go into every detail about the week end, but highlights were helping my friend Sue with organising the Angels lunch on the Saturday, which went really well, and just having fun with friends. I also met some people for the first time, some of which I knew on-line and some brand new ones. I even had an opportunity to meet a new girl with her partner and had a great chat. This was whilst I was having a moment on my own in one of the bars. It was good to be able to be able to help someone else who was where I was a year ago.

Another highlight which I had almost forgotten was I managed to go shopping for the very first time on my own. It was the MOST empowering thing of the weekend. I loved it!

All in all is was a truly great week-end.

Now, though, we are into the aftermath...and this has 2 aspects.

Firstly the comedown. After last year I was understandably euphoric. It was the Tuesday afterwards that it hit me. So, this time, I was prepared! NOT!

As I had to come home not dressed, 'Tina time' effectively finished on the Sunday morning. I'd bought my very first nightie during my shopping trip and had worn it all night. I have to admit doing something strange when I awoke - I put my boobs and wig back on, put my nightie back on, and got back into bed for a short time. I guess I was wanting to be even more 'proper'? I took it all off again, and then gradually (well very slowly), but Tina away. My nail polish was the last thing to get removed, but not before I had sobbed my heart out. Several times. I just did not want to go back to being male. I did seriously consider going home dressed, but managed to talk myself out of it, saying to myself that it would be OK to go back as expected and not rock the boat. This though, on the thought that one day I would not have to be in male mode at all... 

OK that is 'normal' and it is part of post-Sparkle blues that lots of girls get. I just didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it has. I am nearly in tears again just writing this down. I thought that I would be OK. It actually feels 10 times worse than last year!

Secondly, my thoughts going forward...oh heck.

As part of my vesuvial meltdown yesterday morning, I swore to myself that Tina has to be and has to be permanently. Now I know I've had those thoughts and blogged about them before, so no need to go over old ground. I also know that the impact of going in that direction would be massive on my family, friends etc. I'm scared that I might do the wrong thing, but at the same time excited as hell at the prospect. A year ago, I never thought I would be thinking seriously what I am now thinking. So much of me wants just to be 'me' and all the time, not just Sparkle and other outings. It feels that good to be Tina.

I do know that this just might be post-Sparkle rubbish, and I'll have to be careful. It is not easy being careful though, especially when you are effectively only one 'statement to the Mrs' away from the point of
no return...One thing that might happen is she may ask me what I want to do going forward, and I am not going to be able to lie...

That brings me onto one more bit of yesterday that I hated. We usually go to see some friends at the local each Suday about 5. This co-incided with me being picked up from the station and we went straight there. Before going in, Mrs T asked me for a story of why I hadn't been around for the w/e, and we concocted one saying we'd been busy and that we'd been shopping yesterday to Bedford and I'd had some beers. This was to allow for the fact that I had had some post-Sparkle beers before getting on the train in Manchester.


Where this all went wrong was down to me going in the same place for breakfast on my way toManchester, mainly to say 'bye' to my Daughter who works there. On Friday this all seemed fine and it was explained to one of her work mates (who knows me well as a customer) that I was just going away for the w/e. No reason why given.He was also working yesterday, so we had him knowing that I'd been away and a story to others that I hadn't. Not a great place to be in. I also managed to confuse it further by saying something to another bar person who knows me. I effectively nearly came out to him. Not good and hopefully that can be repaired. Again I am an idiot cos I told my daughter what had happened when I got home. She was not pleased!

What that did bring home to me was the danger lying brings. I hate it. I mean I really hate it. I therefore think it is time to come out to my friends and be done with? They are bound to find out anyway as I can't help just pushing the odd boundary back here and there...to be honest, the only reason I haen't told the world is because of the 'perceived' embarrassment that my wife thinks will fall on her. It is a quandary.

To coin a phrase or two from Ron Moody as Fagin - I am reviewing the situation...I think I better think it out again!

Thanks for reading. More thoughts when I've stored some up again. Feel free to comment as per normal.

Tina
xx

Random thoughts as an update.

Hello once again dear readers,

It's been a while since I last updated, and today I have a little time, so here are my latest thoughts.

Tina-wise, all is well to a point. I thought I'd lost my T mojo yesterday, but that was just a blip. I am looking forward to the next time out, which may be London again, but also could be Sparkle. I will need to consider that I have enough to wear - (any excuse for shopping...), but I think I already do have what I need. (Mind you - could do with some sandals - and I just cannot get on with toe posts - but Mrs T is starting to train me..)

On the subject of Mrs T, I think we have come to a good understanding of what I am all about now. Things have been much calmer of late. She also let me order some Avon the other day.

This hot weather strangely has got me down a bit. I've been desperate to wear a really long skirt I picked up for £2 in a sale. Seems a perfect one for hot weather? No opportunity to dress at home...

I still get a bit tearful at times, but I think that is to do with what's happening to my Son at the moment, rather than out and out frustration at not being a girl enough.

My son has now had it confirmed that he will be made redundant, effectively this coming Friday. I feel really gutted for him. He joined the company he is at now as an apprentice 5 years ago. He passed his 2 years of study and learning, and was taken on proper. 3 years later they are throwing him in the dustbin at the age of 25. This can't be right!

He also was really discriminated against in the process for selection, and now says he intends to go for unfair dismissal. Are there any employment law experts out there who might be able to advise? (for free...)

My daughter has finally moved on from the ex, and is her old self again. At least that bit of the house is repaired. My son's other half dumped him Saturday, and then they made up Sunday...It was not fun having a 6' plus hunk of a bear sobbing uncontrollably in my arms on Saturday. I was at a loss at what to do or say?

Anyway, that's the update from Tina-land. Hope everyone is chilled and looking forward to the Jubilee week-end.

Tina
xx

London lunching - the aftermath.

Hi there Dear readers,

Firstly, I'd like to say thanks to those who have taken the time to read my blog lately and give comments and advice. I really appreciate it.

OK then, it's Tuesday, 2 days after my first ever trip out to London as me. I didn't want to re-post what I have posted on Angels (you can find it here is you are interested) - http://www.angelsforum.co.uk/phpforum/viewtopic.php?f=44&t=22374

I more wanted to reflect on how I feel now, compared to how I felt before Sunday.

That's an easy answer...or is it?

I have to get this off my chest right away - I was totally euphoric yesterday, until about 2 pm in the afternoon.

Wallop!

It was like being hit by a freight train. I just felt so miserable. I sobbed and sobbed, and for no apparent reason.

Being of a personality trait that is used to being 'in control', and used to 'analysing' things in order to feel more comfortable, this really took me by surprise. I also have to say that I am fine today - I little tired still, but fine.

I guess there could be many reasons, and probably compounded reasons why. Likely it was just a case of being so excited about Sunday before hand, and having such a great day, it was just a reaction to the come down?

Both my wife and son became aware of my tears, and did their best to comfort. I couldn't say why I felt why I did though. Was I afraid to tell the real truth? I think even I am scared to answer that. Is the real truth the feeling of hopelessness faced with an impossible position - Married, and happily so, not a massive circle of friends, but enough to know me and Mrs T well and care about us - but on the other hand me being totally convinced my future is in the female gender. I guess other married T-Girls all suffer from this dilemma. It is a rare situation where a partner totally accepts you have to be what you really feel you are.

I have to take this one step at a time. I know that. I have no idea where this particular journey is going, but I know I have no desire to jump off the train. I know where I think it is going, but also that this is likely to change at the next junction.

Back to the original question - do I feel different as a result of Sunday? Oh yes! Yes indeed!

I achieved so much on Sunday (see Angels post), but what is underneath it all, was the realisation that I had become Tina properly as a result. It happened as the day went on, and the smile on my face as I neared my home station on the train, was huge. The feeling deep inside me was even larger. Massive.

I feel I have moved much closer to being comfortable as Tina. Not that I wasn't comfortable before. I'm probably using the wrong words? I feel more 'right'?

So where to go from here? I don't know? Well, yes I do - take it easy, think it through. Let things progress naturally. If my destiny is to become physically female, then so be it. If it isn't, then, what I have already achieved, and am becoming increasingly used to, is also fine. As long as it includes lunching, going out, whatever, with people who are so incredibly amazing, then who in their right mind wouldn't want to enjoy all that?

Who indeed when feeling like I did at the end of Sunday wouldn't want to feel that way again and again?

Next time out is also worth looking forward to - Sparkle. We did discuss this on Sunday, some people are compelled to go, some not. There are as many reasons for going as there are T Girls I think? For me, last year's Sparkle was when Joanne Public met Tina for the very first time. I had met no one else before. As a result, to some extent, Sparkle was when Pandora jumped out of the box. So, I am going again, but for an entirely different reason - to meet up with some of the wonderful friends I have made already on this amazing journey. Better start planning some shopping trips then...  

Well, that is about all I wish to say right now. Your comments appreciated, welcomed, and indeed encouraged.

Until next time,

Tina
xxx

Pre-London lunch thoughts and an update.

Hello dear hearts, (as Ermintrude used to say.)

I find myself almost at the end of another busy week. I will try not to ramble, but 'libations' have already been had...

Righto - My mental state and how it is affected by my loved ones...

Wife - been sick all week. Mother/Sister are not bothering us, but are still the lowest of the low. Has given me her blessing for my outing (and I hope this doesn't turn into a bad pun!), on Sunday. She has even advised on suitable attire! Under threat of 're-grading', at work.

Son - Definitely selected for redundancy today. Crap! Supports my T'ness without question. Our joint efforts on preparing him for today's crunch meeting may bear fruit...Thought he was about to split up with GF of 6 months this week, but turns out not so. Has a scrambled head, but I'm giving him 100% support.

Daughter - In denial about the effects of break up with long-term boyfriend, but working her 2 part-time jobs hard. Knows what I am doing Sunday and (sort of ), accepts it. One part time job due to end in July, so (should be) looking for work...

Me - Work is rubbish. Still on 'secondment' with the threat of being in the 'bin' hanging over me. The secondment job is crap, and I could write for hours why. Lets just say some people haven't a clue what project/programme management is meant to be about. It sure isn't about spreadsheets, e-mails, and endless conference calls!

So - that makes all four of us here with job-related issues...and 2 with relationship issues, and 2 with health issues. Oh what joy!

(reminder to self - you said you wouldn't ramble!)

and back to T stuff! (which is why you read...)

On Sunday, I am going to lunch with a bunch of T Girls in London. Now this presents a few firsts...

1 - Not been to London in T mode before. I was born there and my dear old Dad was a Cabbie for 38 years there. It holds a special place in my heart and always will.

2 - I'm going by train. Not been on a train dressed before. Not worried too much. I'm going anyway.

3 - All this means I am leaving the house dressed in daylight. OK, it's Sunday, so maybe no neighbours will notice...I'll be coming back like this as well, so they'll all get a second chance. I think this has sunk in with Mrs T today! I know I should care, but I don't. Time to move on.

and so I am really excited about going, and naturally, more than a bit scared...

It will be great. I am certain. What will make it easier is that I will know 2 others who are going, and if all goes well I'll be not alone on the train, having met another girl from MK who I know through Angels and F/B.

That's where I am. I'll certainly post what happened next week. No doubt there will be some piccies too!

All that is left now is that weather forecast and what to wear?

Tina
xx