Pre-Christmas thoughts...

Dear readers,

I thought I'd give an update as it will probably be the last one of 2012. I have a lot going round my head at the moment.

Let's start with Christmas...

I've always loved it, and part of me still does, but there is a part of me now that hates it. This I am struggling to rationalise - how can you feel 2 ways about something? (That's easy, I'm Trans am I not?)

What I mean is that as I get older, I seem to more and more long for the days of old, and particularly have my Mum and Dad back again to talk to. There is so much to say to them now, not least my current angst. I miss my brother Geoffrey too. Therefore I find myself most tearful at times. I recognise the feelings of depression, and it would be easier to slip into that again.

One thing that has kept me going is buying presents for my family. I haven't gone over board, but have wrapped things far more carefully, including ribbons and bows, than I ever have done before. I can't help but  blame (wrong word) on my girlishness. I am looking forward to the day and seeing their faces. I've even made a present for Mrs T - Chocolate covered Cherries. Not done that before.

This year will be strange for another reason - my Son will be not joining us from Christmas for the first time. He is going to the Czech Republic to spend it with his girlfriend and her family. Serious stuff. Those 2 have settled their differences and have just moved in together in a flat. So he has moved out, which is a bit sad, but  it leaves me able to dress and do what I like 4 1/2 days a week again.

I've already had my Christmas/Birthday present (Chris's birthday, not 'mine' -  we have different Birthdays, and his is unfortunately on the 29th of December). It was a trip to see Madness at the O2. They were brilliant. First time I've seen them. Knew most of the songs and sung along with gusto...bought a Fez as well. (for 'Chris'). The only downside of this was I had to miss the Christmas trip to Pink Punters and especially, meeting up with my friends.

I'm hoping Santa will be kind with other presents. My list of things was stacked with Girly stuff of course, but only time will tell if Mrs T allows herself to accept that is what I am and my needs are different now. A tough ask, but not as tough as it will get in 2013 I suspect. I do know that I will be getting my Epilator and I am sure the other girls in the house will share it. I certainly don't mind. I've asked for permission to have my ears pierced for the 2nd year running. Not hopeful.

So that will be Christmas and shortly, the end of 2012. A difficult year.

If you had told me what was coming this time last year, I would have stayed in 2011!

We've gone thorough most of it and come out the other side I guess.

My son now has a stable relationship and a new rented flat. He has also just heard he has a permanent job starting end of January, which puts him back on track from being made redundant in May.

My Daughter has now got over her ex at last. I think it will be a long time before she trusts another. She has blossomed though at her work place, and has secured her teacher training place for next September. She has a great skill at baking too. One she could make money out of...

Mrs T has got over her breast cancer scare and is fully OK. She still has the main issue to cope with - me. Poor thing was quite ill recently with a combination of novo virus and ear infection, but she is all mended now. It was a shame as she missed 2 Christmas do's as a result.

...and me? Still don't have a new position at work, but am trying hard to find one. Life will change when I do as I don't think I'll be working from home much any more, which is going to scupper my dressing. :-(((
I'll just have to get out at week-ends more!

Talking of going out, I went to my friend Sue's recent lunch in London and had a thoroughly good time. I find these events suit me as a person right down to the ground. Still haven't managed the Nottingham trip yet, but hope to do that in the new year.

I was also thinking...it strikes me as normal to feel how I do, and when I am at one of these lunches, I do not consider my fellow lunch companions to be anything other than girls. I just see them all that way. It never crosses my mind that they are anything else. I wonder if everyone like us feels like this? I wonder if they see me the same way?

2013 - what will it bring? Change is likely? I think so. I heard from the psych yesterday that I can opt for Nottingham instead of Charing Cross. No idea what Nottingham is like? I'll put a post on Angels to ask I think. Hopefully, work will be sorted soon as well.

The big one is going to be answering the BIG question - to start the process of transition or not. Obviously it has massive connotations - will Mrs T stand by me and accept being in a relationship with another woman? I think not, and if that is how it pans out, then do I stay or do I go? The prospect of living the rest of my life as a woman fills me with excitement and trepidation at the same time. It is THE massive step. Do I want it? Right now, the answer is yes, most definitely. Whether I am mentally ready is another thing.

This leads me to another question and one that seems very odd. Is it possible to 'wish' yourself more female physically? I swear I have the beginnings of proper hips, my boobs are getting bigger, and certain bits have shrunk so much that I am having trouble using the loo in the normal way men do! Perhaps I am deluded? After all, I am not on hormones. Perhaps there is something in our food these days that is doing it?

Oh well, that's about all I have time for now. I know tears will be shed by me over Christmas and especially on New Year's eve/day. Will 2013 be my last as Christopher and my first as Christina?

Have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of you.

Tina
xxx